 Dec, 21
They say that spring is a love season. What if love comes to you in winter? Like to myself. I am in love. Big time. I have not even expected it from myself. Mishka and everything connected to him is all so far far away now, as if it did not happen to me at all. I am in love with Igor. He is so cute. How come I did not notice that before? We see each other every day. With Misha we did not go out much, just huddled up in dark corners. With Igor we go everywhere. There is not much fun in winter, but we have been to the Hermitage, museums, symphony concert, theaters, all kinds of exhibitions.
We behave badly everywhere. We kissed behind a statue of an ancient Greek, who was not modest either, so to say, since he was naked. I was dodging Igor’s lips laughing when I poked my nose into the Greek’s dick, hanging down like a sad sausage. At the concert Igor took my hand in his, and we set like that, some babushka did not like it, and when he put his hand on my knee, the old cow began hissing something about Rachmaninov, modesty, etc. Igor took his hand off. We laughed. At the Soviet era graphics exhibition we became really impudent, went to the far room, there was no one there, just us and painted communist-way shock-workers looking at us strictly all with their hammers, rakes and choppers. And there under the close gazes of Stakhanovtsy and Cheluskintsy we began kissing quietly first, then Igor began caressing my breasts through the sweater, I did not mind at all, then I felt his hands on my thighs under my skirt, he stroked my legs from below upwards, and my thighs were bare all the way up to my panties. I had no strength to mind, I wanted him to touch me there, I wanted his kisses, his love.
We saw each other every night, his hands, his fingers made me quiver and old worries began haunting me. I decided to give myself to Igor. I wanted everything to be for real. We love each other. We torture each other with caresses. But maybe this is not good to be using only hands and fingers all the time. I want the real thing – I whispered to myself, I want all. And began making plans. Since we are both inexperienced, I have to totally rely upon my calendar. It said from December 3d to 10th. Guaranteed. So the question is where? For real means in bed, means at home. His place? Should I say, let me come to your place? Does not sound good. At friends’? I do not have friends I can trust so much. Besides, everybody would know about it at once. So, my place only. I looked at the calendar not able to think of anything. Mother was at home most of the time. Suddenly the 5th date caught my eye again. God, this is it! The fifth – aunt Sveta’s birthday. Parents would go celebrate it to her place. Usually they take me with them, but this time I can pretend ill, I can do it well. La-la-la! So, be it! Decided!
This was how I approached the issue – calm and businesslike!
And everything went just beautifully. Nothing compared with that horror I survived with Mishka. Beat the fingers too, I must say. He did it to me twice, and both times I felt what absolutely no words can describe.
Am I shameless?
No way.
‘What is natural is not ugly.’ – that what our history teacher used to say, when we giggled at David and Michelangelo when we were kids. So what we did with Igor, was very natural and not ugly. Why am writing all this? Because we made a deal. I cannot hold back saying how much I liked it. Yes, I did like it a lot.
I liked everything he did to me.
- Come to my place tonight, - I said.
- Your place? What time?
- At six.
- You sound mysterious.
- No mystery, just come to see me.
- Ok. Six be is.
At six sharp the bell rang, I open the door, he came in.
- Good evening – he announced trying to see further into the flat over my shoulder.
- Hi, - I answered – Get in.
- Take your coat off, and your shoes, - I said quietly.
- Is somebody asleep?
- No, I am home alone, - I smiled.
I showed him around the flat.
- This is the kitchen, the living room, parents’ bedroom, - he followed me like on a guided tour.
- How many rooms are here? – he asked.
- Four.
- Cool. You are bourgeois.
- Far from that.
- How many square meters?
- No idea.
- You can afford not knowing when you have enough.
- Come, let me show my room. So, this is my cell.
He stood dumbfounded looking at the bear skin on the floor. I led him to the armchair and put my favorite Songs of Faith and Devotion on.
- Hey, I am sitting while you are standing, this is no good, - he said, - let’s trade places.
- No it’s ok, I will sit on the window sill.
- You won’t be comfortable there, let’s sit on the bed, - he suggested.
I blushed a little.
- No, - I said, let’s sit on the bear.
- Sure, never done it before.
We set down. He stretched his legs, leaning his back on the bottom of the armchair, I set by his side, tucked my legs under myself. He began leafing through a magazine, I was telling him something, blood knocking at my temples. I wanted him to take me in his arms. It was natural in the woods, park or in the movies, but he was lingering here. I felt the touch of his thigh. I saw he was aroused.
At last he made up his mind and put his arm on my shoulder carefully. My heart stopped beating and I shut up. Then turned my face towards him. He pulled me closer and kissed on the lips. I love you he whispered, interrupting the kiss, then went on with it. I responded to his kiss and pressed myself tighter to him. I felt his arm on my breast and it burned me through the thin fabric of the robe – I did not put a bra on. Magazines fell to the floor.
- You are so pretty, - he whispered kissing me on the neck.
- Just a regular girl, - my voice was trembling.
- Let’s undo this, - he began unbuttoning my robe.
I knew if I’d said No, he would have stopped, I am sure of it.
I did not say No. I let him undo all the buttons, and almost loose my head with delight. I knew I was wanted, I was loved, I loved and wanted him and I knew that nothing could stop us now. He was looking at my breasts with nipples sticking out, all of my body, my little lace panties I put on for the occasion.
- This is not fair, - I whispered when he started kissing my breasts.
It took him a moment to realize what I meant. Then he jumped up and tore all his clothes off. Though he left his underpants on, just like me. I still had a robe hanging on my shoulders, but it did not matter anymore.
We lay on our sides, facing each other, he was stroking my breasts. Then we kissed again, and he began shifting his body on top of me, balancing on his elbows, not to overburden me with all his weight. Then he raised his body and began pulling my panties down, I did not resist. I lift my butt slightly to help him. I was under him naked now. He took his underpants off fast. He went on stroking and caressing me, his little fellow rested on my belly, then he began sliding his body lower.
I spread my legs.
He was poking his hard as a rock fellow all over my lower belly, but could not find the spot. We were kissing each other on the lips continuously, but down there, on the hot love planed his rocket was desperately trying to dive into the longed-for shaft and could not. Again and again. Nothing. He mumbled something incoherent in my ear.
- What? - I whispered
- Can’t do it. – he muttered pathetically.
He tried to help himself with his hand and touched me down there. I was all wet. You want it, he whispered. I bent my knees and pulled them upwards and at that very moment I felt him entering me.
He entered, entered, entered me.
It happened. He was entering me. This I cannot describe. He was taking me. I was giving myself to him. He was becoming part of me. He signed, I shuddered when he went all the way inside me. For a second I worried about what he thought when he did not feel the obstacle of a hymen, although it was a tight entrance. But the next second, the momentary gloom was gone superceded by unimaginable joy.
He was inside me. Just these four words. He was inside me.
Completely.
He entered me and stopped inside. We did not kiss. I looked at his face, he was not moving. His mouth was half open, he was breathing sharp and hot, his eyes half closed. We did not move. His eye lashes gave a start and he looked at me with dimmed eyes.
- Do not stop. Go on – I whispered.
- I do not have… I am not wearing a…
- It is ok. Ok today. Go on…
We went on. On and on. I heard our sighs amazed by the precise harmony by our movements. We went on and I felt reaching the edge of something that was about to happen now. It is ok. Go on.
I do not know what kind of live I am going to have. Long or short one. But if there is somebody who controls our thoughts and emotions, I would like to ask him of one thing only – not let these magical minutes of my first intimacy with a man I love ever erase from my memory. With my man.
I felt it was going to happen, that this was it – now. Now.
And it began. There was no way to stop it.
He was whispering words in my ear.
- Natasha! I am letting it our. I am letting it out. I am coming inside you. Love you. Oh!
He was writhing in convulsions. He was filling me up.
I heard myself whispering back to him.
- I feel! Oh, God! I feel it, oh, I feel it! Ohhhh!
Suddenly my body began tense like a steel spring, I arched towards him, all shivering, I felt my breasts swell and became hard as a rock, I was yelling on top of my voice, then bit him on the shoulder, not really bit, rather just plugged my open mouth with his shoulder, silencing my sweet ‘Ahhhh’. Then I fell back on my beck.
I read a lot and know what to call it. My first real orgasm. That was it. And it was simultaneous. They say this a very rare thing to happen. But my feelings merged with his completely. I am not lying, I felt it, and he whispered to me what was happening to him. And I sensed it.
I felt… I felt… I felt…
A gentle push of his semen. One, another one, the third.
This was what I felt.
And my unbearably sweet love spasm.
My body was still twitching as if I was sobbing for a while. He was kissing my cheeks, whispering I love you and always will, asked me if I felt good. I sobbed yes.
- You do not feel sorry? – he whispered.
- No, that was what I wanted, - I said sincerely.
- You wanted it with me? – he asked
- With you, with you, - I kissed his nose.
- I love you, - he said again.
- I love you too.
Surprisingly, his little fellow, although became a little softer, was still comfortable inside me. And just in a few minutes, just as soon as we were able to breathe again and were whispering sweet words to each other, it was hard again, as if offended by my forgetting about it. Right where it was – inside me.
- What does that mean? – I laughed.
- Probably we did not water our rose well enough.
- I think it was flooded.
- No, not enough, - slowly he started moving inside me again.
- No, we watered it well.
- No, can do better, - he became faster.
- Can it be any better…
He shut my mouth with his kiss. I moved my head sideways and whispered:
- Promise me.
- What? - we were moving in unison already.
- You are so smart. Can’t you guess? Promise!
- What? What?
- That you will marry me…
- Of course I will, my love, I will. I will marry you, - his movement were sharp again.
- Igor, Igor, - I heard my voice as if from far away.
- Do you feel good? – he asked. He was close again.
- Yes, yes, but slow down please, a little, please. Oh god! What are you doing to me! Oh god! I can’t, I can’t Ohhhh!
- You are my girl, I am taking you, you are mine, you gave it to me…
- Yes, you are my man, I gave it to you, I am yours, you took me. I am happy. Oh! I can’t mama! Oh god, I can’t, oh, what are you doing to me! How can you, how can, I can’t, I am dying!...
And we soared again. As high as the first time. Maybe even higher.
Again he was whispering words in my ear.
- I watered you again down there. Natashenka. I watered you.
- You are my gardener. Thank you. I heard it is good. For little roses.
- You like it, Natashenka?
- I do, I love you.
Eternity passed by, then I whispered:
- Let’s get up.
He rolled over to his back. I saw the whole of his body.
- So, this is what it was, was not it? – I laughed quietly.
- You seemed to be very happy with it half an hour ago, young lady, - he answered.
- You know, young man, girls have a short memory.
We laugh. We set on our bear, he was holding me in his arms, we felt so light and happy. Unimaginable emptiness was buzzing in my head.
- Probably time to go, - I looked at him guiltily.
- Oh, shit. Ten o’clock!
- It is time. Parents will be home in about half an hour.
- I am getting dressed? – he said.
- Yes, - I rest my forehead on his chest, - I do not want you to go.
- I will be back.
- I will be waiting.
He stood up and dressed himself, I remained sitting on the bear in my thin robe undone and hanging on my shoulders.
- I am ready, - he said in two minutes.
- Leaving? – got to my knees and pressed my head to his stomach.
- Natasha, I will never leave like this.
- Don’t. Stay. You are my husband and must live with me.
- Ok. Your husband has to graduate from school first, - he laughed.
- You will learn when I get pregnant.
- This is not funny. One already is.
- Who
- Svetochka, for our Dimochka.
- It cannot be! How do you know?
- I overheard their conversation by accident.
- Awful. What is she going to do?
- This I do not know. An abortion, probably.
- Awful. Poor Svetka. And him. Hop-o’-my-thumb!
- Well, he managed somehow. So, do not joke about it, ok?
- God, I cannot calm down. That was news indeed!
- Natasha, I am leaving.
- Are you? What a pity. So let’s bid farewell.
- Not farewell, but see you soon.
- Ok, see you soon.
- See you. I love you.
- Do not ever forget about it.
- I won’t. We’ll be fine. You’ll see.
- I will.
I locked the door after him.
I love him.
The next morning I looked at him with different eyes, strange eyes of the owner.
Mine, mine, was knocking at my temples and I feel hot merely at the thought.
What will happen next? Life will go on, hard to guess. New Year celebrations are coming, time when we must gather our diaries together and read them aloud as we agreed to, is coming soon.
Ha-ha-ha, one thing that will never happen is reading this aloud. I am sure of it. Actually I need to talk to Igor. I like talking to him so much. To say nothing of everything else. Just to talk. It is so cool to have a boyfriend. My boyfriend. Nobody else’s. Won’t give him away, ever.
We walked in the cold for too long, and I got cold, and got sick. He came to see me, brought the home task from school. I coughed, he had his ears frost-beaten. He became so funny, lop-eared. No, he said to something and shook his head, and I could not help laughing, because his ears swayed like those of an elephant.
- So, has the silver preciseness determined how much honors you should be given?
- Yes, does not go below 37.5 C.
- I am not running a temperature, but my ears.
- I see.
- There is a joke about ‘I see’, have you heard?
- Go ahead.
- At a nudist beach. A guy speaking to a girl:
‘Darling I like you’ - ‘I see.’
- Shame on you, - I laughed.
- Why? Just a joke.
- Better tell me how is life without me?
- We are staging a play for the New Year. ‘May Night or A Drowned Woman.’
- Really? There must so much work.
- Yah, a lot. There is a part for you too. I arranged.
- What part? I won’t have time to learn.
- It is a small one. Nothing to learn. You will be the empress. Just three words.
- What – ‘Gentlemen the food is ready’?
- Get out. You are the empress. What food? You reign.
- Reign? That is ok then.
- You ought to get a costume ready.
- I like that! Where am I supposed to get it from?
- You will think of something, you’ve got plenty of clothes.
- Ok, will have to think of something. Hey, how is Svetka?
- Do not know. All a big mystery. Think she is going to have an abortion at the winter vacations.
- You have not told anyone, have you?
- No one, just Tolyan, Kolyan and Vas’ka.
- No! You could not! What Vas’ka?
- The tractor driver from the farm.
- What tractor driver? Stop teasing me! – at last I understood.
- Just kidding
- It is beyond joke. This is awful. Poor girl. Igor…
- What?
- We should be careful, so that nothing like this happens to us. Buy something for yourself.
- For us.
- Ok, us. Get some.
- Do not worry. I already have. Here in my pocket. Are you sure your mother won’t hear.
- Not now! Are you crazy? Besides, I am not well.
- I thought you wanted now. It is a good therapy. I will be your full-size water bottle.
- You are a little pig, Igor. You should not be saying that.
- Why not?
- Nothing. A little pig.
- It is ok. I love you.
We whispered a little bit and he left. I felt relieved. Igor is the best. He is so smart. This is the difference between man’s and woman’s brains – they can immediately come up with the right solution. I read it somewhere that ‘brains means speed’. That is very true.
I feel I am falling asleep.
One more thing.
What if somebody finds our diaries? How will I react to what I have written? If somebody reads them to me or I find them published on the Internet, I hear them on the radio, God forbid?
What shell I do then?
Now I know.
I will just smile to my past happily.
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